I'm here. And there. And everywhere this month.
So much to keep me busy.
But some things do not go away.
My stomach is tense, I am pulling in my gut so hard, I can barely breathe, but it's the only thing that seems to keep me upright and walking.
Why is this so sad to me?
Nothing to be done. I think i just ended it all. If it wasn't already over-- for the life of me, I cannot tell. I know what I want.
What I want is you.
What I have always wanted is you. But I cannot live in still life, hanging on crumbs and the odd word.
Life goes on, without or without the sweetness of your love. It goes on well.
This hurts so, that I would rather pluck the wanting out of me than wait one more moment, living unsure and in neglect. But rip and tear as I might, it only grows stronger.
So I have to just eave it be.
I cannot believe I am back here again. Again. Again.
Each time it repeats, it is still a different pain-- fresh and new. I think I have become accustomed to this ache...and then suddenly it takes over me...always there. Underneath all the joy I am feeling, all the happiness and adventure...it's still settles in my stomach and waits and waits.
And I wish I could take my words back...but I know them to be true. And I nw it will not make a difference one way or the other.
Nothing i say seems to matter to you.
I feel like a child...myself at 5 years old, standing there...staring...arms spread wide: Why won't you hug me? Why won't you hold me? What have I done?
But then I remember, yes. All this started because I wanted you told hold me: I missed your arms. And you did not want mine.
And now I am punished.
For wanting what I thought was mine. My love. For wanting you...and not just wanting me.
I'm sorry.
