Love: noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
Love.
...I am an explosion, waiting to happen.
I am not...cleanly drawn between the lines.
I am like a child. Temper tantrums, kisses & ice cream. Scared of the dark. Scared of monsters, shadows & homework.
A hug makes most things better.
Perhaps that's why I cannot balance when I' holding someone else's hand.
I am broken. But i don't need fixing.
I....Love.
I love. Quietly. Violently.
There must be something wrong with me.
(I know there's nothing wrong with me).
But I am caught in repetition. The way he smiled. A laugh. A kiss. An ache.
A word. A promise.
I am caught in silence. Some part of me still lingers back there.
It's like a scab I can't stop fingering. Because I don't understand: WHY.
As though the WHY would make it better.
Why do you not love me? (I do). Then why will you not hold me? (Silence). Why won't you speak to me? (Silence). Why can't we be friends?
All these questions have answers, answers more than you could give. And I know them, now. I feel it always, but I can see it too: I know why you had to leave. I know why I did, too.
But that doesn't make it better. And it certainly doesn't make better the after-life.
It's like a magic trick. I love you. I am part of you. Then suddenly: ta-da! Gone. Without a trace. Without a word.
You treat me like a stranger. You pretend you do not know me.
That can't be right...
That can't be right.
I must have...missed something. Somewhere. Did I get the wrong book? Did miss a line? Did I turn the page too soon?
And so are you. No future. None. You've made that sure.
And yet....some part of me keeps waiting for the shoe that will hit me in the face.
When I saw you loved her, I was happy. Happy for your happiness. Happy she seems kind & beautiful. From what one can tell from a picture. But happiest of all because...for a moment, finally, I felt like it was over.
I was left in a still-life, waiting.
The worst thought in the world to me was that you would never be in it, again. Not mine. Not for me.
That was utterly worst.
But worse than that was the waiting......knowing you might come back. And I wouldn't know what to do. Because I would always say yes to you. Always.
In fairy tales, there are happy endings. There always are. In life, too.
Just perhaps not together.
In fairy tales, the hero isn't cruel. In fairy tales, the heroin isn't screaming.
There is so much more to learn, my friend. I am...sad & tired of being stuck on repeat. I am patient. I can wait. But if together never comes, I hope they love you well. I hope that you are loved. I am sorry it cannot be me. I am sorry I could not do it better. I am sorry...I could not be more...than I am. But...I am me. I am Me.
Love.
At least it's over, now.
