A need to write...

Tonight I am dying to say something.

Anything. To anyone. But I find there is no one I want to speak to.

So many words...and I find I have almost none. My mouth will not open.

My mind is on replay.

Every word that hurts repeats and repeats in my head til I hate myself...

I feel like I am back again in summer...walking down a street. My stomach tight.

Trying not to cry. Trying just to breathe. To know I am fine...but...I...

.....My mind is full of numbering:

'Do you know how beautiful you are to me? I love this part and this part and...'

I am full of shame and rage. Bust mostly...just wanting to sleep. To hide in the covers and let it be over. I have been here before. I surrender. Let me feel the pain and then please, God, please just let me go.

Leaving.

Leaving is a funny thing.

It must be done just right. Or it will kill you in the process.

I want poetry to come from my mind or mouth. I want it to be that kind of hurt.

But all I find is ugliness. And silence. And fear. Again.

I hate the knowledge that I COULD just stop it at any moment.

Because I could. Just let it go. I know the process now.

But that would mean giving up, again, a thing I hold most dear...most precious.

...I do not want to make the same mistake again. I am not ready to let it go, so recently returned.

But if there is no chance...none. NONE.

...I had it back for a moment. But...I remember now. In my prayers and my sobbing:

I said -

"Please. I would go through it all again, if I could have t back for just a

moment. Just a day...please..."

....the more fool I.