On New Year's Eve, I wrote...

In 2010, I learned these things:

1.) One must embrace all things and learn to make friends with those things that you resent in yourself and in others-- not banish them-- because YOU are ALL of you, and to love only part of someone is to not accept/see them for who they truly are. To hold close what you fear, is to learn who you are. Only then can you let go.

2.) To love change, even when it is terrifying and lonely. There are no ends. Only a constant flow. Do not believe in anything that seems certain or stationary. It is an illusion.

3.) To let go,by not letting go. To breathe. To feel. To be still. To see-- one thing at a time.

And...to BELIEVE.

4.) No matter what they say...no matter what your mind tells you, you CAN do anything. The only thing that happens when you say, "I am too old, fat, ugly, different, _______," "it's too hard," "I'm not good enough," etc. is that you let yet another year go by without living. Embrace that which you love. (It will only be the same story next year if you don't).

5.) You cannot master a practice-- or anything-- the first time. Try again. And try again. And try again. It will come.....And should you realize part way through your practice that this is no longer for you...move on. YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU WERE, EVEN A MOMENT BEFORE. And do not fret...It will come again.

6.) To love...is enough.

Happy New Year, everyone.

I love you.

~ Genevieve

And as for 2011: welcome, whatever you are. :)

I feel an adventure stirring. And I am ready.

...Let us begin. :)

No one else to talk to...

I really have no one else I can speak to about this. Any of this. Any of me.

So here I am again.

I should be sleeping-- God knows I'll need it, but...here I am again.

I feel like screaming. And sobbing.

Monsoon season is here again.

But that's not why I'm crying. I have been crying for weeks.

And you are not here for me to talk to.

My bed is empty. I feel a pulling, but I am so lost. I no longer feel I know my friends. They have moved on without me, and I from them I guess.

So it seems...and now, so much change and chaos in me. So many, many things I need to speak of-- advice for. Or just a hug.

I would like a hug now.

But nothing. And no one.

And there are so many things I just 'cannot' talk about. I'm 'not supposed to' talk about with you.

And my bed is empty.

And my arms are...empty.

And...the phone does not ring.

And I dance.

But I am no dancer, now, it seems.

And I put anything I can find in my mouth to keep myself from screaming. To keep myself from weeping.

Sometimes it even helps.

And my arms are empty. And my bed is sad. And I hold myself at night, so as not to feel quite so alone.

And what can you do, when you are supposed to be supportive and you are supposed to understand and you are supposed to be forgiving, but there are so many things that are NOT OK. Not alright. Hurt a lot. But...HAVE to be ok.

I'm supposed to be ok. I'm supposed to be fine.

But everywhere around me, people hold one another and make love and laugh and spend time: all around me.

And...I am alone.

And all I know is........the phone begins to stop ringing. And suddenly there is no compassion. Only judgment if I do not understand or say that I am hurting.

Then, I am truly, truly: alone.