No one else to talk to...

I really have no one else I can speak to about this. Any of this. Any of me.

So here I am again.

I should be sleeping-- God knows I'll need it, but...here I am again.

I feel like screaming. And sobbing.

Monsoon season is here again.

But that's not why I'm crying. I have been crying for weeks.

And you are not here for me to talk to.

My bed is empty. I feel a pulling, but I am so lost. I no longer feel I know my friends. They have moved on without me, and I from them I guess.

So it seems...and now, so much change and chaos in me. So many, many things I need to speak of-- advice for. Or just a hug.

I would like a hug now.

But nothing. And no one.

And there are so many things I just 'cannot' talk about. I'm 'not supposed to' talk about with you.

And my bed is empty.

And my arms are...empty.

And...the phone does not ring.

And I dance.

But I am no dancer, now, it seems.

And I put anything I can find in my mouth to keep myself from screaming. To keep myself from weeping.

Sometimes it even helps.

And my arms are empty. And my bed is sad. And I hold myself at night, so as not to feel quite so alone.

And what can you do, when you are supposed to be supportive and you are supposed to understand and you are supposed to be forgiving, but there are so many things that are NOT OK. Not alright. Hurt a lot. But...HAVE to be ok.

I'm supposed to be ok. I'm supposed to be fine.

But everywhere around me, people hold one another and make love and laugh and spend time: all around me.

And...I am alone.

And all I know is........the phone begins to stop ringing. And suddenly there is no compassion. Only judgment if I do not understand or say that I am hurting.

Then, I am truly, truly: alone.