I am afraid this blog has turned into a, "What's up with G. today" sort of account more than anything else...
Hmmm.
But there you are. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a computer than to people. And...well. That's how it goes, I guess. So... What's up with G. today?
LLC. Limited Liability Company. How do I become one? Why SHOULD I become one?
I came here to dance. And I have done hardly any dancing since I arrived. I feel as though much of me is transitioning back from a corporal outlet into an intellectual & verbal one...but that could just be my brain chattering away. More painting. More writing. More... to say. But less substance & direction.
I think perhaps I have hit the point where I am tired of being afraid. And tired of being distracted & whining. (Finally).
So that leaves us...where? Well.
Dance. I seem stuck in all my exploits, all these fragments of thoughts, actions & choices surrounding me. All pulling for my attention. But I am standing here staring trying to give them al my focus & at the same time, barely moving:
- Do I learn to take care of myself first? Have you had enough water today? (No). Sleep? (No). (Why does that take up so much attention & energy...oh!)
- Writing? Scripts are due. Deadlines are passing. Cannot write? Or don't WANT to write? Who is making you DO this? (Well...Me). How do I even find things to submit to? What's the point if I cannot complete even ONE project?
- Art & Design? 12 pieces of half-finished clothing......does not equal ONE finished item. But to really do it justice, I need to become friends with my sewing machine, take a class, find more fabric...on & on & on). Painting? 3 finished paintings & some half-made drawings with the INTENT to do a few series, does not make you an ARTIST. (What am I waiting for? Where will I get the canvas? When is a piece ACTUALLY finished?!)
- Dance. Well. Dance. Auditions. But I do not go to classes. I want to. Money is a huge deterrent. Choreo? (But I need dancers! No-- I need training! I need....school? I need...I need... a studio? I need....ugh!)
So.....let's find all the things KEEPING you from doing what you want & let them occupy your time & thoughts, standing in your room, staring at your projects...instead of DOING them. Let's focus on boys & your weight & cry...shall we? Much easier than facing yourself in the mirror & committing all your energy to pursuing your endeavors.
I think not. (Not anymore, at any rate).
I feel lost & confused & overwhelmed. What to do?
It feels like someone should have taught me this... How to organize your time. How to be your own motivation. How to look past the fear. How to...just DO.
I feel like I am back in grade school, being yelled at by my parents for not practicing the violin. Crying. Unbearably uncomfortable in my own skin; my throat tight, wanting to hide, feeling like a failure... While somewhere in the background I remember LOVING the sound of the music, the feel & shape of the instrument, the drive to keep going past hurting fingers & callouses, past the wretched squeaking, the 18th time I hit the wrong note, past the strain in my neck & arm from holding it up, the pinching in my chin, gritting my teeth-- driving through, until I get it right! Into the satisfaction afterwards...until I force myself to play it a second time & make a mistake again; (telling myself at 9 years old, "When you egt it 3x through without a mistake, THEN you can stop!"). But I cannot feel it now. I cannot figure out WHY I can't seem to practice consistently for 1/2 an hour each day. What's wrong with me? Where's my progress? While my parents yell at me & lecture. (You know, you'll never be a first chair violinist).
The story is the same. Always.
Here I am. Writing in a blog. Wanting the world to disappear. Wanting to have time stop: be left in a lovely, peaceful vacuum, where I can have silence. Not speak for days....time just holds it's breath & I can think slowly & clearly...Ok.
One...
Sit & write my screenplays & poetry. There IS no Facebook. Friends & family & noise do not exist. Neither does the refrigerator. Your back doesn't hurt. You are filled with water & food & content-- there is no need to stand up...for the equivalent of next few hours, all you have is the writing. The words. The story. Words flow easily & the story weaves itself. You can see the characters, there is no worrying about the climax of the story or where she got that idea, or if it's cinematically possible.
It is. It...is.
Two...
Stand up, and suddenly your room is large. You have enough floor space. Your back & knees & feet are not shooting with pain, you just have you & the floor & the music. When you need them, a dancer appears. You can see yourself & you are completely in the moment. If you need to stop & focus on warming up & building yourself & your own strength, you do. You can. And your body & mind remembers what to do: you need no teacher. You are grounded & turns happen and your core is strong while the rest of you reaches, expands & fills the room, gracefully like water. You have NO trouble remembering your choreography.
You know what to do.
Then you film it & submit it to 20 different schools & festivals. You raise the money. You have shows. You shoot a film. It....is good.
Three...
Eat dinner. And f*ing enjoy it. Go outside and breathe.
Four...
Come back & spend the 'evening' in your suspended world painting on & on & drawing to the music. Create 20 different pieces...they are full & empty you of the ache you feel & the need to show the pictures in your head to the world.
Canvases appear. There are no mistakes. Put them online, call 3-5 different galleries and 100 different coffee shops in the city.
Your work is being shown. Your work is being sold. (The fear & loss you suddenly feel about letting one of your pieces go forever...is minimal. And spurrs you to create more).
Five...
You go into your sewing room. Look at all the half finished pieces. Ingest the manual on on how to run your machine. There are no screw-ups, you break no needles. Your lines are straight, you understand the ways of cloth, the secrets & intricacies of how it falls, how it's made & made to last...the shape of the human body.
Subtleties & detail.
You finish an entire line to be put online. You finish half of a new wardrobe for yourself. They are...beautiful. And unusual. And lovely.
Six...
You sing. And it is...good.
Seven...
Somewhere in between...you are outside, and calm. Serene. You take up your bow & arrows...focus for hours, only on the target, dancing & shooting, over & over. You are not afraid of horses. When that is done, you lift up your sword & run through thrust after thrust, parry after parry. You are like a water dancer, moving gracefully & grounded, drop the sword & a staff appears. Drop the staff, and there is the whip; a part of your hand, made of circles...like Tango...like you. Always moving in circles.
Drop the whip & use your hands, until your muscles ache with happiness & the incredible feeling of being.........well-used. Of strength. And grace. And moving well. Focused & calm.
You remember how because it is ingrained into your muscles and your bones. And spirit. As though these arts had always been a part of you & who you are, in this life & every other.
Eight...
Tango. You go to Buenos Aires & dance with all the people you dream of being like. Dance as though it were always part of you, as though you understood the moving art of connection, seduction, passion & pain. But most of all...the connection. And grace. And beauty. You live there. And every person you meet, every dancer you dance with...you understand & can hold close for the space of the dance. And feel.
Nine...
Somewhere....within all these things....in your week-long, month-long, year-long suspended 'day'....you go outside & are free to wander the world, travel...your body filled to brimming with the knowledge & completion of all you have done....ready to make more. You meet new people...speak new words...learn new languages, and somehow the languages are already birthing within you. Language after language, aware of the customs, accents & nuances. Free to travel ANYWHERE, a part of the geography of EVEY country you visit. You love many deeply, eat well-- so many foods & spend days & days seeing this beautiful world, climbing hills & mountains, bathing in waterfalls...fallowing the moon & stars & sun. Alive. And in love with life.
I...want to be the best at everything. Play instruments. Create, create, create...act & be asked to act in my own works & in stories that change the world in beautiful ways. I want to help create them. I want to be of use to people & help the world embrace life; travel far & wide. And....live.
So...how do I arrange my thoughts? How does one take the first step? next step?
I guess....an LLC license...and....dance. Just, dance. Dance.
.................................(sigh).
Maybe I need Aderoll. So many thoughts. So many steps. So much confusion....but if I could just see through it. Maybe I need a drug. (They never said teaching yourself how to live in this world would be so hard, so challenging). But.....I really want to do this on my own. I really want it to work. Guess I'm going off Facebook & e-mail & boys for a while. Can I please do this, now?
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