Self-indulgence.

I think I am full of self-pity today. The moment I wrote that I got a little disgusted, so I suppose I will only write for 5 minutes.  (I am all for truly feeling your emotions, but I also think one should not encourage such habits as self-pity).

Here I am. On a couch.

I am surrounded by beautiful women. SURROUNDED by them. And, you know, it's an odd thing...   How many think they are....NOT. The children I teach: it INFURIATES me to hear 10, 11 year olds...older, sometimes even younger go on & on about how fat/ugly/unlikeable they are. DISGUSTS me. Not at them, of course. At our world. That makes women feel so imperfect. Makes EVERYONE feel like they are unnatural & not up to par, just so we can promote the sales of products.

..........and yet. Here I am. Sitting on the couch. Staring at pictures of one of my friends...and trying not to cry. But all I can think is: why not me? I will never be pretty like her. I will NEVER  be skinny like her. Plenty of people tell me I am beautiful...and yet. It's not enough.

She is one of the girls who walks in a room & jaws drop. And all Ic an think is: why..why, God/World/???, WHY can't that be me? I've never known what it was like to be skinny enough to show my mid-drift without starting to sob, later, in the bathroom. I've never known more than a handful of days where I didn't wake up to look in the mirror to wish there was SOMETHING I could do to FIX me...

That seems so.......incredibly wrong. I don't want to be jealous or scared of every woman I meet because of how beautiful they are. And I find them all beautiful. Why...not me?

Some days I feel like I'm pretend. I am a pretend good teacher. A pretend actress. A pretend dancer....  Pretend pretty.  Pretend smart.

Like there really is nothing to me of any value or substance. It's all just a show. And if anyone were ever to scratch deep enough to see beneath the surface.....they would know it's all wrong. All of me is just an act.

But I am afraid to become anything more.

I think I am afraid that if I...................really embraced/looked at/found what I want/who I am/want to be.......what I want to really pursue in life...   That it wouldn't be anything I ever thought or believed. It would have nothing to do with who I have been in my life up to this point...  And then...what would I do?

What if, to truly be happy & comfortable in myself & feel as though I am not living a lie, I would have to throw away everything I believe I am & have always been? What if I would never be perfect/known/noticed?

What if I were just a nobody?  And what if I were fine & could be happy that way....for life?

What if then, I would be perfect? What if I already am?

PERFECT at all times?  
 Beautiful all times...?

Why is that so earth shattering a thing to believe?

And why am I so unacceptable.....to me ?