It has been a while since I've written, though many things have drawn me to wish to write.
I suppose it is because, in the last few months, growth & change & shifting have occurred at such an intensely rapid rate & in so many varied & seemingly sporadic directions, and yet have been so naturally tied together, (though they seemed unforseeable at the time time as to how they were linked) that I have not been able to put metaphorical (technological) pen to paper, as it were, for every shift and slip of thought has been only shying me further on to another & another & another, lying softly somewhere gradually outlining an entire tapestry of life & self, for me.
And it is all...the same. Hmh.
So strange. And yet, not at all...
In any case. Today: Meditations.
I have begun to recognize for some time that-- when you want something to happen, it will. That is all.
Now...you may want it to be sunny & it will rain, yes. (Though I have developed some thoughts & theories, especially now, even to that-- but those are for another time).
However, this thing I believe to be true. (I know it to be, but for now let us say believe, for all truth is relevant & I am certain there are those in the world for whom this is not the truth. But I do).
Example: You want to lose weight. And you want to get in shape. And blah, blah, blah. And you cannot.
This is not true. You can. You are capable. Your body is capable. You can. This feels harsh, but the reality (for me) is that when a thing is important enough, you not only can but will accomplish the thing you desire. When (if) being in shape is more important than whatever your need is to over-fill your belly, more important than the tiredness or the lack of desire to exercise, to be attuned to your bodies actual wants & needs...it will happen. And, in the end, it suddenly won't really be difficult. Mostly. Because you will want it.
But that is the condition: You have to want it. You.
When you want something, truly want it, you will be ready, and it will be easy. Until then, part of you may want it, but the reasons for not having what you want are more important. You may feel like you are fighting for what you want; you are trying but what you desire is just out f reach, just too hard, you are not good/strong/something enough to have it...it is impossible. But, in truth you will know that what you want IS attainable, the moment you truly want it.
And then it simply becomes a matter of steps, planning, yes/no decisions to achieve what you want.
But you have to be ready: until you are ready, all the other reasons will be more important. So, don't get upset at yourself for not having what you want-- know that it simply means you are not ready/don't want it enough yet. You can sit there saying, 'That's not fair! I can't help that __________! I'm trying!' And, indeed, you feel as though you are, but you are simply putting an excess amount of effort into the back & forth-- trying to attain something that you do not actually want. You have what you want. You may not like it. But it is what you choose to have. It is simply that you are not ready to realize/recognize what you want in that moment.
Now...(to continue with the example of food, since it is one of a few very personal points for me)...you might say to that thought, "I don't WANT to be fat! I don't want to be out of shape!" But every moment you make the decision to eat something-- something extra, something nourishing, something 'horrible' for you; it does not MATTER-- you are feeding not your stomach, but the thing in you that wants. Perhaps in that moment what your body actually does need is food. Perhaps what it wants is to be filled in a different way, like sex or love or comfort, which you are not receiving in that moment. Perhaps what your body wants is the overflowing fire & fulfillment & energy that comes with expressing yourself, or doing something which you love, that you have been denying yourself...
You are feeding it. You are feeding your self, your body & your soul. Just not with what you know it wants underneath. Or with what you 'want' for yourself.
...so, we realize that we are actually misdiagnosing the problem. We are not actually aware of what we really want. The problem is not actually in attaining what we want, but in recognizing it:
To attain what you want, you must know what you want.
Recognize that if you do not have something that your brain thinks it desires, it is not a fault in you. It is simply that you are not net ready to face what it is. And this is ok.
Have compassion for all things, but fore-mostly for yourself. And you will begin to recognize what it is to live within yourself. And when you live within yourself, you will know what it is you truly want: and then it will only be a matter of taking steps to attain it.
That is all.
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I am in the stage now, when I am more often than not completely aware of what I desire & who I desire to be. I have, since coming here, begun to also be aware of my boundary lines: how much am I willing to let go of; how much & what do I really want to change; what I truly desire vs. what is in my head that I should desire & what I am NOT yet ready to face. Suddenly, most things that used to make me panic or fill me with upset or unrest do not, because I simply realize that I am not ready, yet, to face something; I do not truly want it enough yet to let go of whatever is keeping me from it. And I am learning, in turn, to have patience with myself: I know that I am not failing, because all things that are truly desired will come in time-- when I am ready, I will be. And so when I am ready, I will have what I want.
I am simply not ready yet. (For that part, for now at least-- but there are many other things to face & work on or rejoice in or live in now & so I have patience for all the rest...which I think makes the rest come faster & easier, in the end, just as you can more often achieve more with kindness than with cruelty. So it also seems, unto yourself).
I have also become better at stopping myself now when I am getting wrapped up within the walls of my 'world' of trying/negative 'realities,' 'truths' & 'can'ts/shouldn'ts,' to say...ok, wait. This is bothering me...it seems like I want this, but let's break it down & be specific: what do I actually want in this situation? Say it in plain terms & realizing what it is I actually think that I want or need but do not have. Then, as stated, it either becomes a specific case of realizing what it is that is causing the disquiet & finding or realizing the remedy for it...or bringing to light what I believed I did not have & realizing that what I wanted, I already had within me. If I didn't have it within me, I now recognize it as a choice.
Take steps to achieve it, or accept that it is not what you want. (Yet. Or at all).
For example: "Why didn't he/she/they call? Don't they like me? Did I do something wrong?!
Why is their lack of contact bothering you? Do you feel lonely right now? Why? What will truly be wrong if they do not contact you when you want them to? Will you die? No. Will the earth explode? No. Will you cry...? Maybe. Then WHY? Look closer...what is it that you feel you are lacking or not receiving that can cause tears? Oh. I want ___________ / I want to be _________ / I want to feel ____________ / I want to see/do/be ___________.
...well, ok then. Accomplish what you want. Achieve it. Get it. Do it. No one is stopping you. Now whatever you want might be FROM them, aka -- "I want ___________ to be holding me right now." But underneath, you must still ask: WHY? And I guarantee that holding yourself will make you feel better & there will almost always be a why you do not expect that has, often, little to do with the other person or situation. And if it is indeed a situation, you are in luck! Simply go get it. Keep working at achieving it until you have what you want. There is no: I tried & failed. There is simply - I must try MORE.
"I don't dance like her. I'll never dance like her."
Of course you won't. Because while she is working every day to dance, you are standing here crying about how you will never dance like her.
I never said it would be easy. i never said it wouldn't take hard work. I never said there wouldn't be sacrifice...but when it IS what you want, there will be no question. It will be worth it.
......(I think).
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Of course...the more you begin to recognize these patterns, the more you also begin to recognize your own choices or plateaus.
I am willing to do this today...but only up to this point. Today: I am not ready to let that one go...soon, but not quite yet.
(Though of course, then, you must ask again: WHY?) Then it becomes a matter of learning patience with yourself. All things will come in time. But I think knowing that today is not the day to let everything go or the day to give into indulgence...even if it is not healthy...and knowing you must be kind to yourself...is also...a good step. But perhaps the most difficult one.
......I know the healthy road lies to the left. I know it. I can see it....but....I want the right with all my heart. What can I do?
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And so it begins. And ends. And always will be, ever onward...
...(and up. Or elsewhere).
Hmh.
..................Now the question is...are you ready to have what you want?
(Can you handle it?)
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