Fear.

I...want to write right now.

I mean....I want to work on my scripts. On my book. On...my artwork.

But I can't focus.

Why....does it hurt so much....to be left? Ignored? Rejected?

Maybe...because you care. How can you care about a stranger? And, really, isn't everyone a stranger? Even those you love?

I can say I know someone...but that doesn't mean I can know them. Know, every minute how they will react, what they think, what will happen...what they want. So...why even try? When we are all alone?

What am I so afraid of...when someone leaves? Why should it hurt, if I am not afraid? If it's not fear...what is it? I am not made less, by the change of affection. I am me. Here. Still standing. Tall & proud & perhaps....a little less open then I was a moment before.....perhaps a little more. Silly how it is. It seems everyone else, when they get hurt, they close off. I am the only one that opens. Maybe.

Fear....fear is a funny thing. They say love makes you stupid, but that isn't so. Love....makes you wise. I know it. But the fear....of losing that love. The fear of it being thrown back at you, thrown away, told it's not real....told you are not right, are undeserving, are suddenly (or not so suddenly) not good enough...too good...anything; the fear of losing it....that is what makes us stupid.

We kill people, because we are afraid. Look at other countries...our own country....wars....horrible things we have done to one another, to ourselves....all resulting from......fear. How easily someone or something can be made 'foreign.' Slavery. Genocide. The us & the them. How easy it is to segregate when you are frightened. How easy it is to be afraid, when you do not understand.

Fear. Is a funny thing.

I love. Many things. And many people. And...I am afraid. Always afraid... so I push things away. Then draw them near again. Then push away. Then seek...

Fear.

Fear is a funny thing. It makes you act in uncertain ways. You can never quite predict what fear will make you do........or keep you from doing...in the moment.

This is very specific. And for that, I apologize. But I find I have to write:

I...am a large girl. A strong girl. People, I have been told, often think I can take care of myself. People, I have also been told, also worry because I am kind & apparently gullible & friendly also worry that I cannot take care of myself.

I did not always believe I could. But a few years ago, I knew I could. Situations might not always be pleasant to get out of & I might cry in the end, but...I knew I would avail. And if I died...well, I hoped it wouldn't come to that.

But you can never tell what will happen in any given situation...when you are afraid.

People do stupid things when they're afraid.

A girl who would normally scream or throw a punch or f*ck someone up for saying the wrong thing, let alone for grabbing....in a questionable situation...might find herself...paralyzed in courtesy. Bandying back and forth between an, "I told you to stop!' & an I don't want to make a scene....should I be polite & laugh?

In the cold light of morning, you feel like an idiot. Why didn't I just leave?

Nothing happened. And...many things happened. In the end...I made myself safe. But, in the end....there was the fear the whole time...'what if no one will ever dance with me again?' 'What if no one will ever love me again?' 'What if they talk?' 'What will everyone think?' 'What if I am making a mistake?'

This has been a weekend of fears. And.....overcoming them. And...falling victim to them. Both.

I said some things....I shouldn't have. Because I was afraid. Of losing something dear. So I made sure to get rid of it, before it could get rid of me. Stupid, really. Silly.

But the moment I said it, I also felt less afraid somehow, because I knew that underneath...I deserved to be treated better.

Then came the fear that I had made a mistake. I realized I had said things out of fear...So I tried to 'repair/repeal' the situation, thinking I was in a clearer state of mind...that contact of a different sort...would make all things more solid & healthy...and make it all..right. I think it would have, yes. And because I mourned the possible loss of something beautiful, barely begun.....but really, underneath...the fears kept growing. In every direction.

There is the fear that I'm not worth anything. What am I, anyway? Just a girl. Just a girl.

The fear I would be hurt: well...I am. (But I created that myself. There is no pound of flesh that was taken, no cut made, no wound to heal)... I sit here in a cafe, in the middle of an unfamiliar city, mourning the loss of things that never were, that could have been. Afraid to take a step in any direction. even back outside.

And...in the end.......I realize....that the fear is all I have been feeling. One after another.

I was afraid of a stranger last night. I was afraid of a friend this weekend. I was afraid of...something more. I was afraid of someone more. I was afraid of making a scene. Many scenes. And other people's thoughts.

And I was....so afraid..........of myself.

But sitting here, in a coffee shop on 4th street...quietly crying in the corner, staring at the sky & the sun & the sea...I feel........incredible sad.

I feel weary. I feel worn out. I feel...bruised &...a little lonely. I feel like I'm standing here, torn completely open, underneath & a little bit raw.

I feel......ready...wary....and... very, very sad. I feel...very human. But..... very.....alive. Just...simply....alright. And alive.

And...myself, again....at last.

And for once, in a very long time......I must say.....the only thing I do not feel...

...is afraid.

Hello world. I'm a little sad tonight.....my name is _____________ .

(Deep breath).

Ok.   ....Here we go.