Thoughts, feelings & occurrences from the week:
1 .) I looked up the words 'success' & 'successful' in the dictionary.....(because...you know....I spend my free time reading the dictionary).... (I do). By definition, success is the attainment of wealth, position, or honors...and/or the favorable termination of an endeavor...but nowhere in any definition could I find the word: Happiness.
...now isn't that interesting.
We (in English-speaking countries, apparently) equate success with all these things, but not with happiness. Yet it is subtly implied that success is the highest of all goals, a necessary part of life & that to achieve it is to be happy. But really, by definition...happiness has nothing to do with it. Interesting.
As P______ said, when I told him this: "Oh, no. No. They got it ALL backwards."
I have been frightened, feeling like I am not a success. And by definition, I am not. I am in fact, a failure. I am 28 years old. I have no money, or very little. I have to ask my father to help me out for a while when I need to go to the dentist or the doctor. I am not famous. I have done nothing the world will remember or know me for. I have had many jobs, but none that have lasted long (though much of that was by choice). The last 'honor' or award I was given was in my last year of high school, over 10 years ago.
I have not yet wandered the whole world (though I tried, halfheartedly). I am not particularly brave or heroic. I do not often feel unusually smart, attractive, funny or witty. I am not a 'go-getter.'
But I AM happy.
Restless, often. Yes. Sad sometimes...Yes. Lonely. Yes. Full of wants & wishes & goals I have not yet achieved.
But I am happy. Astonishingly-- in fact that is what's odd. I will be sitting in the yard or in my room & suddenly realize how happy I am. And that surprises me....and that, in turn, makes me smile wider. I am happy that I am happy.
The colors in my room make me giddy. I have a roof over my head & good food & good friends....is that not.......happiness? And is that not, in turn, it's own kind of success?
I have to remind myself that it is all temporary, sometimes. This room will not be mine for always. The landscape will change. Friendships will shift. Time takes it's ever-changing, ever-marching 'toll.' I am only here, now. But even the future 'end' of this stage of life does not bring as much sadness or disappointment as it once might have to me.
I was sad when I had to leave B____ & G____'s. I had never felt so alive & inspired living with two people before. They changed my life. But if I had not had to leave, I would not have met my next roommate, C_______ & found an incredibly generous friend, who supported me through rough times & taught me more about things I didn't know than I could have asked for. She planted seeds in my brain that are still only just budding, and we are still great friends. And while I do not see her or know her nearly as well as I would like, she is part of me now.
Each shift in the wind, brings me to a new life. And another. And another.
And it seems silly to be sitting in the beautiful backyard of my now-home, with good friends inside, the smells of Eucalyptus & sand, the sound of water from the creek tripping lightly in the back, through the underbrush; the breeze playing with my cheek & the trees alike, in the California sun.............and be crying and afraid because I have not attained a tangible means to prove myself 'successful' to the world.
Yet. I have not found it....YET.
And what, truly, is success....if it does not include some pure measure of happiness?
I know many people in this world who are very 'successful' and wake up every day saying, 'Well. It's Monday. Gotta get through the week.'
........and while I admire them for their ability & strength & dedication to be in this society & this world....I do NOT want to be one of them. Even if I could.
________________________________________________________________
2.) In the kitchen:
Me: "Hey...guys? .....Am I...like...the ONLY person you know who regularly listens to traditional French Folk music?"
M & S, together: "YES."
Me: "....That's weird, isn't it?"
M & S, together: "YES."
Me: "Does that make me...is that...bad?"
M & S: "Oh, No!" "No." "No...no."
M: "Actually...it's...kinda cool."
S: "Yeah. Really cool."
Me: " Oh."
" ....Hmh. Growing up......there were many different words that were applied to me.....but I don't think 'cool' was ever one of them. Hahaha!"
.....cool.
_________________________________________________________________
3.) Talked with P_______ about working & being happy in what you do. I have come to the conclusion that in order to REALLY be happy, I need to be productive. And helping others in SOME way. I also need to be able to move slowly & relax & learn to just enjoy the moment. I need a certain level of sleep, water, food & quiet 'me' time, or else the 'happiness' is sporadic & unstable, swinging like a pendulum. And often a result of caffeine amplifying what I am feeling, not actual elation & peace. And, while I need to be productive & feel useful, I also need an equal amount of time to pursue my passions & have adventure/expression time with friends. After that, learning constantly & trying new things helps.
There it is. My recipe for happiness. (Slow down. Be useful & productive. Be passionate & pursue your desires. Learn continually. Take good acre of yourself. Breathe & connect with people). Yep. Sounds about good.
...I'm sure it can be simplified.
____________________________________________________________________________
4.) Some days it takes a Herculeic amount of effort to be IN & PART of the world, and not just happily hide in the corners. Some weeks, even. But it's all very good. All of it.
I need to remember that life can be very full. Easily. And that I can also hibernate.
Respecting both of those is difficult to master, but not impossible.
And...isn't the learning process wonderful?
......it's amazing how much control you actually have over yourself, your choices & your own life. No control, really over anything else, but if you truly realize how much control you have over yourself & your life, you realize you don't need any more. Any more would be...ridiculous & far too much. :) I control the speed of my life & it's fullness....what an interesting & challenging thought. :) (Challenging in the best way).
______________________________________________________________________
5.) So much is going to be happening starting...NOW. Who knew I'd put it out there and...there it would be. (Man, August is going to be a whirlwind). Hey, look...it IS the life I wanted. I just...had to DO it.
Wow. ...Cool.
No comments:
Post a Comment