The Wish... (2013)

I did not have a new years resolution. I don’t do things like that.

I have hopes & progresses I wish to pursue, but I don’t think that resolving to do something on one particular day more than any other is a necessary thing. But then again, time means very little to me. Every day is a new year.

This morning I woke up – with far too little sleep. Dogs were barking, my mother lay next to me where she’d stayed the night, sharing my massive bed for one of the last times I would sleep in it for a good length. It was cold. Frost crystals outlining the window, which was unexpected.

I feel like I'm getting sick again. I was so cold.

I do not—did not—have any new years resolutions this year. No.

This morning, the bathroom was filled with a pale, breathy sort of light; vibrant and cool through the window payne. I stepped into the shower. The hot water hit me & I forced myself to take a deep long breath, pulling sleep, physical hurts, aches & scattered hyper-thoughts from my body & exhale them. ‘Ok,” I thought. “Just breathe; it begins now. One more day here. It begins now.”

Perhaps it was the window. I do not know. I do not care. But suddenly I was filled with one, single thought; filled with it:

...Let me be made of light.

Let me be filled with it. Let my body & my being here on this earth be the vessel that bears the light to others all around me. Let my body learn to heal itself—let me learn to make my body a healthy home so that it can bear light & healing to others. Let me now begin to be what I was made for. What I hope I can be made for.

Let me enjoy pleasures only in this world to give myself back to it; to make myself more of it, to bring me grounded into the world & know it as joy. To love. To make myself more for the being & the giving.

One thought. That became a prayer...

Please. Please..

...Let me be made of light.