School...
Well. Hmh. Thoughts.
I wish I was going to school in January. I thought I could make it happen, but the truth is I don't feel right about taking money from my family & friends. As much as there is this insane part of me that always seems to think these impossible things (or reasonable things on impossible timelines) are...well, possible, it just isn't reasonable I guess. Still...this always optimistic part of me that wants to charge ahead and forge whole, new worlds & try to stir the blood of everyone around me to press on & do the same (as if we were waging some kind of epic battle for goodness) persists in believing...
...so, I guess I'm not going to school. It's interesting. I haven't cried this much or hard (in only a number of hours, mind you) over anything but a member of the male sex or feeling like I've failed the people I care about...in....I cannot recall. But a very long time, I would imagine.
But...sometimes it's time to...'grow up.' Or, well, at least check in with your deeper self & find out what actually feels right & good.
My father offered to pay for whatever amount of tuition I could not raise myself. This....was unspeakably generous. But...truly, his words & a list of 'Goals for My Year in California' that I found this afternoon made me stop & think. Does this college program really give me what I want? Yes. But...yes & no. Not a yes the way most people would look at it but an outstanding yes to me.
However. I don't feel right about getting there by barely scraping by; by having to 'borrow, beg & steal' as the saying goes, from my friends & my family to get there. If I have to give up all that....all my honor & what feels good & 'in integrity' to get there....then it's not right. To me. Honestly....it's like...the lesson I have learned I think from my mother: she will do ANYTHING she must do to get the job done. And she is over-worked, over-burdened, over-saddened, and often times lonely & miserable, I think. She would argue otherwise & I do not mean to put her down. I think my mother, in fact, is quite noble & valiant...and yet, unhappy. That cannot FEEL good or right.
To me.......well, I think I need to do this myself. I do. It's something I've never done. There's too much, otherwise, riding on the shoulders of myself & other people, too much to be indebted to....to ever be easily or otherwise successful. the cost of it all is too great.
So the answer? I have to man-up & get a job. (No easy feat for me, for many reasons not going to be explained here, but not to be overlooked or brushed under the table, nonetheless). Which leaves me with...? Me. I am sad. I have been crying. There is a feeling of loos...but, I can breathe easier. And in the light of my room, through my tears...I still feel...good. And I see the promises I made to myself when this journey south began. I will make it & make it well. One step at a time.
School feels right. Feels important & important to do now. But all choices are right. Even stillness. Even sadness.
......I think I may have just grown up a little.
(Breathe).
1 comment:
From what I've seen and read you are not taking money from your friends and family, they are investing in you because they believe in your capabilities and wish to support your successes. Like any investment you've made it with obligations; you are offering future massages and/or instruction in the skills you've already acquired. No one stands alone; Hell, I was just reading a comic today where Jesus was saying, "Yeah, those footprints that are by themselves~ that's where I carried you. That trail back there; when I got tired and dragged you by your feet for a bit. And see that ditch over there? I left you there to grab a latte." There is no shame in having help. You're still the one who has to do it.
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