An Artist's Work

"Finishing the hat,
How you have to finish the hat.
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window...
While you finish the hat.
_________

However you live,
There's a part of you always standing by,
Mapping out the sky,
Finishing a hat...
Starting on a hat..
Finishing a hat...
Look, I made a hat...
Where there never was a hat ."

I have always felt alone in my life. Not lonely, not sad, but alone. I think we all are. (It's not an uncommon theory-- I hear many people say so often). And yet,  we all strive for contact. That, as well, seems necessary for survival...or, at least, happiness.

It's a delicate balance.

Funny. I...have begun to work for myself in the last few years. Many people are inspired. Many people disapprove with polite smiles. Many of them look at me and say, 

'Oh, that's nice. But what do you do to make money? 

Have you done anything famous?

But...wait, what do you really do?'

You have to love it. You have to. I prefer a bit more stability. I do. But...re-making myself monthly; daily. Updating websites, designing business cards, frantically searching to make ends meet... I do. I love it all. Spending hours & hours a day, writing, choreographing, training, overwhelmed in the most lovely way with my ever-changing imperfections; striving for an ever-evolving ideal and sense of accomplishment. There....is, in reality, nothing greater than this feeling. (To me).

I didn't know that til recently.

Somehow, though, most people don't seem to understand. I think they do, quintessentially. But it makes them angry. Offended. Confused.

"Why didn't you call me? Why are you so reclusive? I can never count on you! Why can't you take care of yourself?" Then in the same breath, "Oh, look what wonderful work you do... Do more." And again, "When are you going to get a real job?"

As though the concept of putting yourself into your work & making your work about  yourself & your expression cannot truly exist. As though it's unheard of, when in fact we all long for it. (Or seem to).

If the thing that wakes you up at night or makes your eyes bright is carving things from wood...why wouldn't you do that? If numbers give you a thrill, embrace them! If to sing is how you awaken in the world, than by all means raise your voice! I think so many people envy actors, dancers, artists...is because it is the most obvious course of passion. There are nearly no tangible rewards but there can be glamor & beauty & expression.  But if the smell of baking bread leaves you lusting for flour & pan....I dare say your pastries would woo us all, were you to find it in yourself to let go of running a bank.

Perhaps some jobs would disappear. (Perhaps they need to). Perhaps we'd all have to chip in a bit more of the things which MUST be done that 'nobody wants to do.' But it is my experience that when you enfold yourself in passion, even doing the dishes or taking out the garbage becomes part of the ecstasy. And I see nothing wrong with a bit more art & passion in this world & a bit less greed. I want to live in THAT world.

And....

In the meantime. I always want to connect to my friends. I do. I want their company; sharing meals with them...laughing & venturing & connection.

But is it so foreign or hard a concept to grasp......that my art is my work? My life? My mistress AND my love? Because....my work is me?

Do I need a bigger salary to make you understand what it's like when I cannot answer my phone because I simply have to...

...'finish the hat'?