A clear & present laughter...

(Isn't that the title of a play...or something...?)  O.o

Anyways...

THOUGHTS:     Sometimes...I just want to laugh at people. You know? Not in an ill-humored way. I don't think I'm better, at ALL, but...sometimes...you're sitting in a cafe or walking down the street & you see people...& the seriousness with which they take themselves & their clothes...and I just want to laugh...a lot... :) :) It feels good. (sigh). You know?

Ok....I know SOMEONE out there is gonna think I'm an @$$hole for saying that. Go ahead. Go ahead. But I maintain that the world is lovely & at all times comical...

I suppose that's why I've always had such a hard time with 'dating'  & the opposite sex.  Hmh-hmh. (Oh, NOOOOOWWWW we're getting personal. Hah!) But really...

I suppose it must be so hard for them: Boy, man or woman...doesn't matter...They try to seduce me & I have to constantly stifle the urge to laugh. I mean, come on! You KNOW it's funny...don't you?  ....apparently not. They don't seem to realize I am laughing as much at myself as any of their words...

But the sly arm around the shoulder, a dirty word...a kiss & what do you know. I'm laughing. And the look of pain and fear on their face is so sad. I think.......what do you have to be so serious about? Hmm?

I want to be alive. I want to love. All things & all people. Strange, isn't it? They get at you for crying in public....they get at you for laughing in 'private.' What's a girl (who feels) to do...?

How strange it is to me...How strange. How....sad. 

I suppose...I cannot help...but laugh.  :)

Hearing the bells... (aka Caffeine)

Sometimes...

      There's this thing that happens in me. This rise of....something. Emotion, excitement, panic, thirst.....fear? Something.

I feel like something is about to happen. Panicking, like the world will end at any moment. It hits sudden & hard. It always does. It always has....but I feel it more now.

This is difficult to say, because it is not something I admit to many people. Never have. For fear of being labeled; told I was malfunctioning... (You feel things, do you? Tell me about it...what do you see...?) Told it was my mind or my thyroid or a touch of spring fever...or madness. But I know what I feel.

And feelings are about as stable as any other perception in this world.

In any case. I've always had them and they're getting stronger. Is it this...sort of.......subconscious anxiety that is feeding through all of us? Agitating the human race to go faster & faster & faster til we burn down...? Is it a search to fill an empty void, I wonder? Are we missing something? (Am I...missing something...?) So many of us are so anxious for an arrival of  an end of the world occurrence....  What's the hurry?

Or could it be, I'm not the only one who has this feeling?

The rest just stare at their work or the floor & push on & on & on...I think.

But sometimes, we stop for a moment. I see it. I feel it. You do too, I know. Whoever you are.

The moments when we pause, our attention caught by  a line of music or the way the light falls on a sidewalk or building, that suddenly smell which reminds you of home...or the urge to cry or laugh, for no reason? Don't you?

.......I used to think I was alone. But underneath....I don't think so, anymore.

It's this tugging urge to go & be bigger. To expand and....expel & run....and relax into all things at the same time. Isn't it there?

Something beautiful.

Where did Alice go, after all...? It's frightening...but can't I go there too? And everywhere?

It's like I want to be....I am scared of and anxious & waiting for something that's about to happen........  And...yet....I'm so ready for it to be here already......no. In me. In it. All of it & all of us.

And now I don't make sense anymore. I know.

And a few will think I'm crazy. Or...'unique.' Or........something which inspires a label & distance.

But I know it's true. And you do too, I believe.

Whoever is out there...

                You know...I thought a pretty thing the other morning. Perhaps.

But....as I stood outside, I wondered: What is love, but two people who have seen each other & realized they share the same imaginary universe? The same beautiful madness?  I look at you & you at me.......and suddenly, without warning........we have found a home.

Maybe we all live there, after all.

     We're just refusing to look up....

                ......hmh.           

Or maybe all I'm feeling is caffeine. Sure. 

Let's call it caffeine....                     

I am the Tallest Hobbit...

Hmmm...

     hello world. Again.

Nothing seems to be right today. (The voice in my head goes: "Oh, God....have you really been reduced to THIS...? Bitching online? Really..?)

Yes.
I have.

As I was saying...nothing seems to be going right today.

What's funny is that, now in this time in my life (as opposed to the first ____ some years) I am finally aware that, though this is bad and that is bad, and it never rains but it pours....things are somehow...alright. Underneath, yes...life is constant motion & soon everything will be...well, people always say, "Everything will get better..." and....they're half right. No, things don't always get better when they're bad....sometimes they get worse.

But they always get.....next. They always move on.

I'm here. Here's my desk. (Hello, desk). Here's my glass of wine. (Hello wine...you have not visited me in this room before, but tonight you are oh, so welcome company). There will be candles soon. Perhaps a bath. (Wow...if any stray readers who stumble onto this blog for ANY reason DIDN'T know I was a girl (or a stereotype of a gay man) they certainly know now.

(I thought this was supposed to be reserved for good writing & poetry, someone says....I say, read the description).    :P

Yep.

That's the kind of mood I'm in tonight. I want to go MIA. Under the wire.

I have eaten my fruit tart. I am drinking my wine.

I have been crying a lot today. And yesterday. And the day before...and...and...and...enough.

So many reasons. So many. None of them really good enough, when I see the sun outside...
(or the stars & rain, in this case).

But all of them, easily.......ok.

It's ok to allow yourself to cry. Allow. Hmh. It's ok to be crying.

Even for no reason.

             .........And, so...I have retreated to my Hobbit Hole.   

                (The tallest Hobbit of them all).

And, here I will reside...til further notice.

Loneliness is not a drug. Nor a disease. Nor an alibi. 

       I think it is simply...human.

It can be turned into all these things. But............what is it really? But the eternal longing of all things....to want to reach through our skin, connect with...something...someone out there....through the questions...through the void...and discover...something...Beautiful there?

        .........for now. Goodnight, world. I miss you.

      Thanks for being there. Sleep well.

                 ~   G. A.  (Hobbit)

....And one more, I forgot... (a continuation):

"I cannot keep you.
One cannot keep anything
So, how long or short
does not really matter...

Only how well and how
fully/joyfully/truly
we use the time we
are given...

And even that doesn't
really hold true, because
the moment you try
to fill everything full,
you cease to be there at all."

Now the real question is...what do regret?

...(And would you do it all over again?).

Thoughts & Things I've Found

Thoughts... (Yesterday) .

• Is the opposite of Wisdom....Innocence? Or Ignorance? (I know which one I would prefer it to be, but which one is it? I suppose....well. It wouldn't be ignorance. Because to be wise is not to have knowledge, but knowledge & the experience of how to use it....plus a little more...something else, something different. To be intelligent or knowledgeable would be the opposite of 'to be ignorant.' But....to be wise......somehow, it seems to me, to be innocent, truly, is to have some wisdom....and those who are wise....often have a quality of innocence........ Although. I suppose they are not the same thing....when one is wise & when one is innocent....it is the air of peace or tranquility that is found in both. Not the experiences, themselves. Perhaps.

So............ I persist... Can anyone tell me, what is the opposite of Wisdom?

• I like frogs.

• Life is a spiral. But many lives...the nature of transcendence.....is circular....all things begin and end in the same place: continually. All beginnings are endings & are both happening AT ALL TIMES. (But that's not a new thought). However......both a circle & a spiral are made up of a 'line' of sorts...a line that runs into/feeds into itself or a line that twists and turns. Either way, a 'line.' And what is a line, but a trillion little points...dots...moments.... So....no matter where you are, in the spiral or circle..........or anything...even if it is a straight line as so many of us believe, with one beginning & one end point......is life not, truly, as everyone says (but few truly pay attention to what they are really saying)......just a trillion tiny instances....and shouldn't we, then, if each one is different & each the same & each part of something vastly greater, truly LIVE in each tiny dot or moment?

• Hmh. I like breathing. I should do that more often.

• I need to be outside more. Life is simpler when I'm outside. I'm more alive when I'm outside. (How is it my brain remembers that, ...but I forget...?).

__________________________________________________________________

Things I've Found...

(The day before yesterday, I found many things I've written this year or earlier, on the backs of napkins, scraps of paper.....journals....receipts.....ugly things. lol. Sh*t like that. Here is some writing) :

"Sing me, sleeping in your arms

Read me again

Our hearts and hands

Entwined

Like water upon water

Sun on trees and sand

Let me sleep, always near you...

My true heart."

_________________________

"So, you're pretty? So you're handsome?

So...what?

Can you tell me a story? The kind I will wnat to read to my children's children? The kind I will wish to relive, over + over again + relate to my friends at night by the fire?

Can you make me BELIEVE in the fall of Rome, Joan's voices or that dragon's truly exist?

That Romeo & Juliet had a chance...if only? Make me believe that they TRULY loved. Go ahead, I dare you.

Can you move me to tears? To cry til I laugh & laugh til I cry?

Can you teach me to feel compassion for my enemy? And view him as brother? Sister?

...As myself?

If you cannot do this, and more, than you are nothing more to me than a pretty face.

And I will soon forget.

You."

_______________________

"In you, there is life!

There is fire & blood

and dirt & death & rebirth!

Gritty & lovely & pure!

There is something so profoundly beautiful, that none of your powders, perfumes, paints, rouges & Well-Chosen Words could ever rival it...

......or mask & cover it up.

Let it speak. For god's sake. 'Let it breathe, let it live!' "

__________________________

Note: ....(I wrote this a while ago. Though not so long as I would like).

DE LYON

" I will ride in you, my friend

The sea will hold us both,

Just like we promised

Just like we said

Just like we dreamed

When you were here

I will ride in you

I will name your name

and the world will know you

By the vessel that bears us

The sea will be purple

Just for you

Though I will be the only one

Who knows the blue of sadness

And the red of passion

That makes you whole again

in water

You will sail with me

In the wind and spray

When my thoughts hold you

Watching

You put your cigarette out in a paper bag

Searing it just to watch the smoke

Or preciously taking the tears from my face, saying

" Don't cry, Genevieve. "

And saving one to taste

Salt on salt

" Salty dog, salty dog... "

Your father never knew you.

...(such a cold, hard, cruel pity)...

But I know him now, because of you

And I know them now, because of you

And I hold a guitar now, because of you

And I speak in french, because of you

And I see in purple, because of you

And I am going.

Now.

Because of you.

And the sea will call us home. "

_____________________________________

I also found a very long letter & the end of a short 'story' of sorts. A poem that is a story.

But the one I need to find the first half to....

...And the other is not meant you your eyes. It belongs to the one it was written for.

________________________

Goodnight.

Breathing & the Why?

What am I supposed to say?

You are here. You were here. You...the nothing. You, the everyone.

I don't know what this is. This should most likely go into a journal...a page of emptiness. Rambling. Stupid.

What do you think I am?

But I suppose this is a journal of some kind, whether anyone reads it or not. I a suppose I am humiliated sometimes if someone does...

but. Here goes nothing.

Why can't I remember? So much?

I have the best of memories you no: I forget exactly the important things. The ones that create the void. The things that made me human. The people. The indecencies. The choices.

M_____. C_______. M_________. K___________. My grandmother. My aunt. My other grandfather.

Aren't you supposed to be upset when people die? Leaving is a good as dieing.

And I remember every one. Every one who's left.

EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

...every word that was said in anger. Every word that cut too deeply, engraved on me.

You are supposed to cry when someone dies...but I didn't when my aunt left.

For part of my life, she was like a second mother. I didn't when my grandpa left. And I loved him beyond measure.

But you. M_________. 8, 9, 10 years later? And I am STILL crying. WHY??!

And you: ___________ . A choice. You make a choice every day. All of you. One of you. Both of you...every inch, every minute moment. You choose to hurt. You choose to leave. You chose hatred every day! And what am I left with but the shards of who I was?

YOU try to piece this puzzle back together!!!

This is rambling to the highest degree. Embarrassing. But I am furious! And.... Nothing.


(Without). And why can't I remember?

Because the sky was...is..beautiful? And (I hope) there are years ahead of me?

With or without...all of you.

Home.

Well,

...this is the first in some time.

I have moved to California.

A thousand things have happened already, in the endings and beginnings of it all: and I've only just arrived. To start a life. That's laughable-- there is no starting but an easing in, however full of energy and drive it may be; no matter the ebb & flow of things...

Well. I have arrived. Right now. An hour or so ago. It feels like home. It feels right. But what is right? (Silly question).

But lying there on my bed (the only part of the room that does not quite feel mine, yet, but I'm sure will settle with time), I have just learned my first lesson: to begin. To do. Just DO.

Now. And Now. And Now. No hesitation. No thinking: no longer thinking-- just write. Just dance. Don't eat. Don't distract....DON'T WAIT. Or it will be gone. Just breathe. Just speak or sing. Just go outside. But DO. Now.

The loneliness just hit me. HIT. HARD.

All of it...this empty pulling & yearning. It occurred to me, though, that this is not a foriegn friend. This longing. I remember feeling this same way in high school. I was overwhelmed & consumed by it: just like I am now. Living in this same city, or another nearby. And it's here now. I remember. I couldn't keep my skin around me; wanted to scream & thought I would shatter into a thousand pieces, scattering through the atmosphere, the trees, the earth around me... I wanted to run. And scream. But instead I put something in my mouth. Shut my door. Cried inwardly and stared out the window with a thirst that could not be matched by Tantalus ...I ached.

(I ache.)

But somehow, knowing what this feeling is now: this loneliness. The need for something...at least being able to recognize it, makes it feel....more...full somehow. Knowing that I have to dive into life, be full of it....It isn't a cure. But it eases some of the aching. It is...somehow comforting to know: oh, hey. I'm lonely. And knowing I'm lonely, somehow...eases that loneliness. I realize, no. I'm not truly lonely. That's just another false void to fill. Really, I'm just....alive. So full of life. And scared of it. And it must go somewhere. Replenish the endless sea of things, perhaps...I don't know. But I have so much in me...it must GO somewhere...somewhere besides this room.

I need to write. To paint. I must dance. I must go outside. And NOW. Now. And Now. Only then can I truly make love to this world, with myself...and perhaps that is, in essence what I am longing for...to totally explore all of everything. Be part of it. Be all of it at once...

....yes, it IS like that.

Most of my life, I have used so many things to cover up, fill in, and blame my lack of motion, of living, on.

...at least I know now what to do...

Do. Seek. Go. Be. And be still.

....Breathe.

So here I am. Writing. And I feel...so much better. I put down my cashews. Turned on the computer...and..well. Here I am. I am here, now.

And suddenly, I realized I wasn't really hungry after all. Or...perhaps it is solely that now, for a moment: I am full. With what I truly wanted.

Changes the feeling behind, "to give is to receive," doesn't it?


I.....

.....but I do wonder...where does all this longing come from? What is it we yearn for?

Was it always like this...? Before 'civilized time' or did we used to understand? ...did the first cave man ache & want like this? Did it drive him made as well? Is that why really we traveled? Has this stagnance trapped more in us than we know?

...or is there something out there & in here all at once, that we have forgotten how to recognize?

Whatever changed the monkey to the man...When he at last stood taller, I wonder, was he looking at the sky...?