Breathing & the Why?

What am I supposed to say?

You are here. You were here. You...the nothing. You, the everyone.

I don't know what this is. This should most likely go into a journal...a page of emptiness. Rambling. Stupid.

What do you think I am?

But I suppose this is a journal of some kind, whether anyone reads it or not. I a suppose I am humiliated sometimes if someone does...

but. Here goes nothing.

Why can't I remember? So much?

I have the best of memories you no: I forget exactly the important things. The ones that create the void. The things that made me human. The people. The indecencies. The choices.

M_____. C_______. M_________. K___________. My grandmother. My aunt. My other grandfather.

Aren't you supposed to be upset when people die? Leaving is a good as dieing.

And I remember every one. Every one who's left.

EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

...every word that was said in anger. Every word that cut too deeply, engraved on me.

You are supposed to cry when someone dies...but I didn't when my aunt left.

For part of my life, she was like a second mother. I didn't when my grandpa left. And I loved him beyond measure.

But you. M_________. 8, 9, 10 years later? And I am STILL crying. WHY??!

And you: ___________ . A choice. You make a choice every day. All of you. One of you. Both of you...every inch, every minute moment. You choose to hurt. You choose to leave. You chose hatred every day! And what am I left with but the shards of who I was?

YOU try to piece this puzzle back together!!!

This is rambling to the highest degree. Embarrassing. But I am furious! And.... Nothing.


(Without). And why can't I remember?

Because the sky was...is..beautiful? And (I hope) there are years ahead of me?

With or without...all of you.