There's this thing that happens in me. This rise of....something. Emotion, excitement, panic, thirst.....fear? Something.
I feel like something is about to happen. Panicking, like the world will end at any moment. It hits sudden & hard. It always does. It always has....but I feel it more now.
This is difficult to say, because it is not something I admit to many people. Never have. For fear of being labeled; told I was malfunctioning... (You feel things, do you? Tell me about it...what do you see...?) Told it was my mind or my thyroid or a touch of spring fever...or madness. But I know what I feel.
And feelings are about as stable as any other perception in this world.
In any case. I've always had them and they're getting stronger. Is it this...sort of.......subconscious anxiety that is feeding through all of us? Agitating the human race to go faster & faster & faster til we burn down...? Is it a search to fill an empty void, I wonder? Are we missing something? (Am I...missing something...?) So many of us are so anxious for an arrival of an end of the world occurrence.... What's the hurry?
Or could it be, I'm not the only one who has this feeling?
The rest just stare at their work or the floor & push on & on & on...I think.
But sometimes, we stop for a moment. I see it. I feel it. You do too, I know. Whoever you are.
The moments when we pause, our attention caught by a line of music or the way the light falls on a sidewalk or building, that suddenly smell which reminds you of home...or the urge to cry or laugh, for no reason? Don't you?
.......I used to think I was alone. But underneath....I don't think so, anymore.
It's this tugging urge to go & be bigger. To expand and....expel & run....and relax into all things at the same time. Isn't it there?
Something beautiful.
Where did Alice go, after all...? It's frightening...but can't I go there too? And everywhere?
It's like I want to be....I am scared of and anxious & waiting for something that's about to happen........ And...yet....I'm so ready for it to be here already......no. In me. In it. All of it & all of us.
And now I don't make sense anymore. I know.
And a few will think I'm crazy. Or...'unique.' Or........something which inspires a label & distance.
But I know it's true. And you do too, I believe.
Whoever is out there...
You know...I thought a pretty thing the other morning. Perhaps.
But....as I stood outside, I wondered: What is love, but two people who have seen each other & realized they share the same imaginary universe? The same beautiful madness? I look at you & you at me.......and suddenly, without warning........we have found a home.
Maybe we all live there, after all.
We're just refusing to look up....
......hmh.
Or maybe all I'm feeling is caffeine. Sure.
Let's call it caffeine....
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