Honorable

"Life every man holds dear; but the dear man

holds honor far more precious dear

than life."

~ William Shakespeare

.   .   .

It would seem I have no honor.

I have lost it. Or forgotten it, somewhere. Or, in my upbringing, it was somehow mislead or squandered. Perhaps my honor is just a bit confused.

Perhaps I never had any to begin with.

.   .   .

INTEGRITY. That is...a very big word in my family.

My parents both took part in the Est training (or 'the Forum") when they were younger & both agree it changed their lives incredibly...though now they would both refuse to take it again, feeling as though they have retained all the answers & keys to the universe that it unfolds...

...(Perhaps less the sincere, simple, honest, COMPLETE element: Happiness)...
 

At least that, that is my observation & speculation, but let me not admit impediments to my elders, nor their better judgment & learning through experience in this world. I am only an ignorant child, unknowing in the ways of hippocracy...Eh-hem.

See? No honor. No respect for my elders. It would seem.

...Cheeky monkey that I am.

.   .   .

In any case: INTEGRITY. This was a word to be held over my head from infancy.

...If, per say, a child lied about the completion of their homework (stating it was done, when it was not in fact done), this would be dishonest & not in line with INTEGRITY.

...If that same child were to tell the truth, however, that despite sitting alone for long hours in their room, no parents at home (too scared to ask for help, anyways for fear of bothering & being yelled at), staring at the paper & books, reading over & over again, not understanding the words, and said instead, "I can't seem to get my brain to work right...no, it's not finished..." Again, they would not be in line with their INTEGRITY, because obviously they were daydreaming, sidetracked, just not trying hard enough...watching TV. Not paying attention. Just needed to try harder.

...If after threats, cajoling, promises, more threats, that child still did not complete their homework, but told the truth: "Have you finished your homework?"

"....No."

They got a beating. To get the message across.
The message that they were 'doing something wrong.'

Now...if you were that child, wouldn't it be better to lie & get only one really bad beating then to get one every day, because you couldn't get your brain to 'work right?'
No? Not in line with your honor?
 An excuse? When you are...Fifteen?
...Twelve? Ten?
...Six?

INTEGRITY can be... a very heavy word.

Anvil-like. Even.

.    .    .

HONOR. I love the idea of honor.

I want it. If someone could help me find mine, I would gladly take it back & cherish it.
But of course, that's silly. We all know (from reading books) that once a man (or woman)
has lost his honor, it can never be retrieved...

I have always wanted to be a 'man of my word.' I loved heroes in stories. I wanted to be one. The villains may have been more interesting (at least in Disney), but....in real life, lying...cheating...hiding...it makes your stomach hurt. I don't like it.

...And yet, it would seem, I am a 'dishonorable man.'

I used to like to boast that my word MEANS something. And I want it to. Badly.
'I keep my promises.'

Sometimes I even believe it.

But it must not be true, or I would not be so easily shaken when my honor or word is questioned or I am proved, through accusation, to be as my Father LOVES to say,
'Out of INTEGRITY.'

I have..........spent almost my whole life, trying to make others happy. 

Even at my own expense. 

(Usually at my own expense).

I was shown that this is how you are supposed to be in life.
Even if you are miserable. Even if it kills you.

....And yet.

I am also constantly ridiculed & scolded, even when I am trying to be a man of integrity:
 I cannot take care of myself. I neglect my health, neglect my friends, am unreliable.

They say I never do what's best for me, but cannot hope to succeed if I do not.
 I am often told that I cannot hope to make everyone happy,  but whether I try to to that or try to take care of myself, I seem to 'let everyone down.'
No matter what.

.   .   .

In the reality of this world, in application, there are certain things you are supposed to be able to do. They are generally expected of you:
 

- Be kind. 

(Well......except behind so-n-so's back. 
She's a b*tch! She deserves it).

- Be honest.

(But, ya know, a WHITE lie...that's...well, that's not REALLY a lie).

- Communicate.

(You really need to answer your phone more...don't you know I've been 
trying to get ahold of you for the last five minutes?!

Hey! Put down that phone when I'M talking to you! 
That's disrespectful! Be HERE now, please)!

- Take care of yourself above all else,
or you cannot help anyone else. 

(Unless of course we are talking about ME. 

You need to pay attention to me when I need you: NOW)!

- Be mindful of & respect all living things. 

(Well...not animals. They don't count. Oh...well, 

I mean I believe in no cruelty to them, but it's just ONE hot dog, right?
It's not like I do this EVERY day).

...What. Is. INTEGRITY?

.   .   .

In the last few moths, I have agreed to some things. In the 'real' world & in my friendships.

I have had to break a few of these 'promises.' None of them easily.
 I don't like it. I don't feel good about it. I haven't known what is best to do.
I try to go with my gut. But sometimes even THAT gets confused.

NOW...

If someone offers you the chance to do some work in one place (but it doesn't pay much) and you agree to take it, but then you get offered a job that is a quarter of the time & 4x the pay, will let you spend time with your family (some of whom are getting very old & frail), allow you to see friends you haven't seen in a long while
& in all ways is adding to your general health & well being...what do you do?

To keep your integrity, would you stay with the first job? You would, right?
Even if it means you have no real means of financial support...you go back on food stamps...you have to borrow money from your parents to buy TOILET paper.

...No?

Ah. The sensible thing is to turn down the first, offer help, make sure things will be ok & know that this is how business works in the real world.....yes? No?

What?

Ok, that doesn't work for you. Another scenario then:

You offer to do a favor for a friend, so they can take a much needed vacation:
you will watch their house & pets.

Then a job (again) calls & offers you $1,000 to come work. It would conflict with your previous agreement, but (again) you have nothing  lined up & are a bit worried about the poverty line being so close. This is also your JOB:
you need to be able to take work when it is offered to you,
living contract to contract.

INTEGRITY. You gave your word. Kind of. You said...sure I can do that for you.
So you would say, 'No thanks. I can't take the job.
I offered to watch a friend's house for two days.'

But now you have no money for school. No resources to live off of. No employment.

And you just said no to your one & only job offer.

If you were to call your friends & family at this time to ask for support, and they ask you why...and you proceed to tell them that you DID have a job offer of $1,000 but you had to turn it down because you offered to watch a friend's house for two days...and by the way you are gonna need to borrow money for food, necessities & the gas $ you need to get to the next thing you promised to do.........what do you think is their response?

Good for you! You stuck with your integrity?

OR

What the hell is wrong with you & why can't you take care of yourself?!

...Take a guess.

Say you take the job: also giving your word to them.
When your friend freaks out because they now have to find someone else to stay over,
will breaking your promise to them to honor your friend be any better?

.   .   .

I just went to see my best friend's show tonight that she directed.
Why? Because I love her dearly & I am proud of the work she does and I KNOW from personal experience what it is LIKE to feel unsupported...

I also know what it is like to look out into the audience and see even ONE friend's face there. It means the world.
 

THAT means more to me than anything; knowing I can give that to her.

...(See? I'm selfish. Even doing that for her is for me. No honor at all)...

THEN, I stayed after to help her take down the set & clean.

Did she ask me to? No.

Did I want to? YES.

Was it because I am selfless & like hard work? No. 

Do I like folding chairs? F*ck, NO.

...(Do I feel guilty because I'm boasting about it right now? YES).

So, WHY? I did it because of two things:

1.) I LOVE her. I have two hands.
rAnd for once, there was something I could do to help.

2.) Someone did that for ME.

...Now. This same day, I was accused by a different friend of not being out of integrity.
By someone I care about & want to help.

It must have hit something REALLY hard, because I have been a mess of tears & half-imagined & re-imagined conversations ALL DAY since then, defending myself to thin air, overrun with comebacks, challenges, apologies...

(L'esprit de l'escalier).

...all the reasons why I am in the right. Which makes me question why I feel the need to so stalwartly & passionately defend myself. (Unless I really am out of integrity).

Luckily I have learned enough in the past two years to 

not press the send button. EVER. 

Or this might be a whole lot more mess than it is.

...I have given my word once...twice...three times over; am trying to learn to take care of myself & be mindful of everyone & everything. I want to live like the heroes in my books who treat their word & honor with more weight than their LIVES.

...But what if everything crisses & crosses & then no one's happy?
Well, someone will be, but I guarantee it WON'T be me.

Who's word am I to honor above all else? The one to my employers? The one to my friends? Or the one to myself? If I cannot honor them all....what good am I?

What good is my word?

...But as I said, I have no honor. My word means nothing. And, in the end, as throughout my entire life, it seems the only thing I am accomplished at? Is letting people down.

Most of all...myself.

The whiny teenager without integrity will be putting herself to be now.
...WITHOUT ANY SUPPER.

.   .   .

"Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live."

~ F. D. Rosevelt

Goodnight.